I just returned from my kind-of short vacation to Barcelona, Spain. The trip was amazing, my friends and I saw a few cool things, got pretty nice sunburns and spent lots of money. We walked a lot (in the flattest, smallest shoes because of the heat an ice-core person as me is not used to at all) and my feet, knees and hips still hurt awfully. But what I actually want to write about is not the beautiful vacation I had, but the sad feeling that seems to linger after every trip I take.
Like, imagine it:you've been together with 3 onderful people for the past week, sharing every second with them except the toiletry-stuff. Even if there's not always chatter, there's company. Then you come home, to a two-story house that's too large for two people and a cat. But neither the cat nor the other person is there and you're just all alone. It's quiet, tidy and cold. Nobody to talk to, not even the online people you want to tell about your vacation answer, and you just sit there. In front of your laptop. Not knowing what to do.
You just bought a pretty dress for 85 euros, but what for? Nobody cares anyways. You don't even look pretty in that dress, because you gained weigth lately and simply feel grosed out by just thinking about your looks. You spent nearly all the money you saved up the past 6 months for this holiday- it was your holiday to celebrate your graduation. It was a marvellous time, but your life in itself is just so senseless and stupid, and nobody cares.
I get back to Germany to see that same-sex-marriage (I utterly refuse to call it 'gay marriage') is legal in all 50 US-states. What a great day for the USA! So of course, Tumblr celebrates with lotsa sweet phoos of happily new married couples crying in joy. I feel happy for those people, and I feel like crying too- once, for the big LGBTQ* rainbow which even reaches Texas, and second because I want to have someone to be happy about this with, too. I'm a spoiled brat when it comes to relationships, kinda have never been single the past 4 years. But right now.. it's just me and my laptop and I am fucking lonely. Wow, there we go, I said it.
now you can go and bitch all over me for being in a not-happy mood on such a great day (which isn't even a great day for peopel NOT from the USA. our motherfucking Chancellor doesn't like same-sex-marriage and adoptive rights because 'of the children'. She doesn't even have one herself. Fuck you Angela Merkel, bye
Ill be alone when I wake up tomorrow. Sure, I'll wake up in my own bed, at home, where I feel safe and comfortable. And I will feel alone and even (beware of a mighty word I'm swinging now, I apologize) unloved, because it just seems as if nobody cares. Deep down I know that some few actually care- like the people I just said goodbye to, whom I went to Barcelona with. But I'll sit in my bed and wonder anyways if it mattered at all whether I get up or not move at all. Without having to go to school anymore and without waiting for the Barcelona-trip to come, my whole existence is completely purposeless right now. I know this will change, but just right now, it feels like shit and I hate it.
I hate that I'm complaining, but I had to get this out.